It has been said that what you focus on—creates more of the same in your life. If you are either consciously or subconsciously focused on certain beliefs regarding who you are, or who/what you want to be, or who you do not want to be—that is what you will continue to get. You will be attracting people who mirror those traits back to you—as our reality is a mirror of the thoughts we have, with the people in our reality included.
People do not understand why they keep attracting similar types of people in their lives, from a toxic, backstabbing friend, to a toxic relationship with a partner who uses and abuses, then discards them. If one can rewire their limiting beliefs about themselves and allow these people to hurt them repeatedly. People make excuses for the people that hurt them. “They have good qualities too”, and trying to change the person will never work out well in the end. Many times, people do this to avoid facing their own issues—such as that of sticking up for themselves.
At the end of the day, it’s not about any other person on this planet. It’s about believing that you are worthy of being loved and seen for the person you truly are. No one wants to feel:
- Disappointed
- Hurt
- Inconvenienced
- Feeling like the crazy person
There may be an underlying belief or insecurity of needing to be liked. So, cater to yourself first, not anyone else. This is incredibly powerful because if you can love yourself enough to stand up for yourself, no matter what the cost—everyone will win. You will start becoming a beacon for the right kinds of things, people, opportunities that will align with who you are, rather than being around a ton of energy suckers.
Also–don’t participate in the drama—backlashing, gossip, drama, complaints, retaliation, etc. Sure, there are many out there that will stoop so low and participate, but they lower their chances at rising to the top to get everything they truly desire.
So how does one become their true unapologetic, highest, and authentic self without compromising themselves for anyone else?
Own up to your judgments and projections.
You can begin by noticing the things that drive you crazy about others, and rather than judging, complaining, criticizing, or getting defensive, notice them as a mirror. As a mirror reflecting back qualities that trigger you—they are all clues into what is deep down within you needing healing or releasing.
Question the things you judge and project.
Start by letting go. Ask yourself what your limiting beliefs are that you have been telling yourself. These limiting beliefs create a negative narrative and inner dialogue that most likely has been lugged around for a lifetime. Become aware of the behaviors you do, and investigate why you do it, rather than blindly reacting out through habit.
Question what you get out of having these judgments and projections.
We do not do anything as people, unless we are getting something out of it, which can include positive benefits as well as negative benefits. Release it if it is no longer working for you.
Question how you would feel if you weren’t having those judgments and projections.
Ask yourself how you would feel if you no longer felt those judgments and projections, via letting go?
Do not enable others’ behaviors.
If it feels good, positive, or like you are being rewarded—you might just be truly helping. But on the other hand, it if feels heavy, depressing, and you are feeling resentful—you might just be enabling.
Give people who bring you pain, “the boot”.
Sometimes no matter how much work you do, or how skilled you are at letting go—some people will not change and are just as committed to their own dysfunctional behaviors. They are significantly painful to be around—to the point you’d rather be hammering your fingers than go out to lunch with them.
When giving someone “the boot”, stay strong and see it as you are being nice to yourself rather than allowing someone to hurt you repeatedly. Then remember not to get involved in their drama by “cutting the cord” as quickly as possible, with little to no discussion. Keep yourself busy to avoid their drama, excuses, and screams for attention. You can say simply that the relationship is no longer working for you, and that it makes you feel not-so-good, and that it needs to end (without an open discussion—the end!). Finally, love yourself for who you are, knowing that you deserve better.
And as always—times and people can be complicated and uncertain—if you are having a difficult time navigating your relationships, we have trained therapists at Clarity Family Therapy Services who can help if those situations become too difficult to navigate by yourself. Reach out using the inquiry form on the main page.